Thursday, January 08, 2009

It's a Guy Thing

Contrary to the claims of radical feminism, there are a lot of things in life that girls simply don't have figured out. Certain facets of day-to-day existence puzzle and mystify us, though only the most feminine of us dare to express our bewilderment. A better course of action, surely, is to fall back on the handy expression, "It's a guy thing." This phrase can explain just about anything that ladies do not understand. Why do I have to have my tires rotated? It's a guy thing. Why are some people ambidextrous? It's a guy thing. Why is electrical tape black? It's a guy thing. Why do we have a complex system at work of owing "the universe" lunch using Whopper Jr's as currency? You get the idea. The "guy thing" concept can bring peace and equanimity to one's life without the complications and headaches that further knowledge can introduce.

Another area of widespread confusion is the issue of the tube of toothpaste. Many people have asked themselves the following question: What is the most logical thing to do with a tube of toothpaste? The answer, clearly, is carefully to roll up the bottom of the tube of toothpaste as you use it, so as to get as much out of this precious commodity as possible. So much for the toothpaste itself. The problems occur when another person is introduced into the equation. Is it more prudent to insist upon the logical course with regard to the toothpaste tube as such, or to defer to the squeeze-happy person who insists on following an illogical course of action in employing the aforementioned? The answer, sadly for folks whose compact and neatly organized brains delight in order, is to let the toothpaste fall where it may. The person is more important than a $2.99 tube of Colgate. Luckily, I myself have not experienced this scenario; I can squeeze my toothpaste tube from the middle with impunity.


Fezzick said...

Heh. As a guy, I'd like to point out that most of us can afford to purchase an ADDITIONAL tube of toothpaste for the offending middle-squeezer. While this may seem decadent to some, it should be noted that sometimes diplomatic purchases must be made for the common good.

Andy Bodoh said...

You know, I am not convinced that it is illogical to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle. I find it takes longer to squeeze the tube from the bottom each time. Thus, let X equal the time it takes to get one unit of toothpaste while squeezing from the middle, Y equal the additional time it would take to squeeze from the bottom. Now, as Sylvia pointed out, you cant get all the toothpaste out in squeezing it just from the middle. At some point you must take the time to push the remaining toothpaste to the top and then squeeze it out from the bottom. This can be done with a simple flat edged toothbrush on a flat counter. Say this time is time A. Thus, if there are N number of units of toothpaste in the tube that you can get from sqeezing from the middle, and M additional units in the toothpaste, then the question becomes this:

Is [XN + A + (X + Y)(M)] greater then or less then [(X + Y)(N + M)]?

Boiling this down the question becomes:

Is [XN + A + XM + YM] greater then or less then [XN + XM + YN + YM]?

Which then becomes:

Is [A] greater then or less then [YN]?

In other words, does it take more time for the middle-squeezers to push the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube to the top, or for the bottom-squeezers to take the extra time with each unit of toothpaste that they would otherwise save by squeezing from the middle?

If A > YN, then the middle squeezes would appear more logical than the bottom squeezers.

Mike Roesch said...

One of my college roommates had what I consider to be the best political campaign handouts I've ever seen to deal with precisely this problem. Instead of passing out yet another comb or pencil, some wise campaigner had given my roomie a toothpaste roller-upper of some sort, which one affixed to the bottom of the tube to considerably reduce the (admittedly substantial) time and effort required to roll from the bottom. Of course, until I find another of these, I will continue to squeeze willy-nilly.

healthily sanguine said...

lol. Why would someone write a mathematical equation for the consumption of toothpaste? Or why would someone invent a device to squeeze the last of the toothpaste from the tube? It's definitely a guy thing. ;-)

Actually, Andy, I liked your use of algebra. I found it reassuring, both that there is a practical use for algebra (to be honest, I had forgotten about its existence) and that my toothpaste squeezing habits are not completely irrational. In fact, your equation indicates that, one way or another, it's going to be rational!

I wish I had Mike's friend's device now. I'm still wrangling with my toothpaste with no good result except gooey toothpaste on the fingers. Toothpaste everywhere! Ick. The feminine heart revolts.